Best left unsent

Dear Neighbour,

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I hope that you will put more clothes on the next time you dash out of your house to check whether you left something in your car. 

I understand that it was perhaps not your intention to emerge out on to the street in a pair of tiny black running shorts and nothing else. 

After all, you certainly did not intend to flaunt your HUNKY, WELL-TONED BODACIOUS BODY in front of an unsuspecting neighbour (i.e., me) who only wanted to draw the curtains.

However, I do understand that maybe your clothes don't fit you as well as they used to on account of all the bodybuilding and running you've been doing (the wonders of soy milk, eh?). 

Please accept my suggestion, though, that you should keep wearing those fitted tank tops; it can get pretty chilly in the evenings. The last thing you would want is to catch a cold and not be able to keep strutting around the neighbourhood in itty-bitty shorts exercising your pets. 

Oh yes, I've seen you walking your dogs, mister, and I've seen the pooper-scooper you carry. Who do you think you are, a responsible member of society?? I'm keeping an eye on you.

Peeping out from behind the curtains,
Me.

P.S. Please change your locks so that your parents won't be able to sneak in and tidy up your garden anymore. It's getting ridiculous.