Home renovation survival guide

Carnage: Day 1

Mum has gotten it into her head that the bathrooms and kitchen need makeovers. Since my brothers are all chickenshit good-for-nothings when it comes to handling a person who has a tendency to spend on things "because she can afford it", I have been doing the home decor rounds with her. This is what you need:


Notepad So you can shield yourself from the blistering barnacles sun as you make your way to the umpteenth tile showroom for the day. Also good for jotting down models numbers, only you won't remember what they're for because you get sunstroke.

Measuring tape Makes you look like you know what you're doing and the sales people won't overcharge you too much. Note that the act will fall apart if you don't know the measurements of the space you intend to renovate.

Water To cool yourself as you get into yet another "disagreement" over whether you need two 2-basin sinks; one each for the wet and dry kitchens.

Sling bag To hold water, and also half a rainforest's worth of paper as all parties go into a flyer-collecting frenzy at a tile showroom whose sales personnel don't immediately show you things that cost RM60 per square foot (that is very expensive).

Energy bars or something similar Repeatedly having to lift 4-square foot tiles to the light so your mother can "see how they really look" makes all those push-ups pay off. There has to be a better way.

Ideas If you don't know what you want the room to look like before all that drilling, chipping, hacking, and hammering begins, you are in big trouble. A colour scheme is a good place to start; most of your time will be taken up squabbling over the fixtures anyway.

Wreckage: POV 2

Bonus suggestion Try to get a good-natured editor/research supervisor to defray your costs. "How about a series of articles on the algorithm of how the cost of home renovations is determined, and the psychological toll it exacts on a family?"