Sunday, January 23, 2011

Best post-match interview ever





Scene: The post-match interview at the 2011 Australian Open in Melbourne.


The score: 6-2 7-5 6-3


Cast: Rafael Nadal, who's been looking a little chunkier than usual lately, has just beaten home favourite Bernard Tomic (18; really weedy).
Jim Courier - on-court interviewer
Crowd - boisterous Aussies of every stripe

Excerpt:

Jim: So, Rafa, second set... 4 sets to love down, what was going through your mind?

Rafa: Uh... I gotta win the third set!

Jim: Could you walk us through some of the tactics you used against Bernard?

Rafa: Uh... first of all *delves in to clever, adaptive strategies like getting closer to the net and playing "straighter" as my eyes glaze over with boredom* and, uh.... I found what I need to destroy him.

[pause]

Crowd: *kills itself laughing*

Jim: *giggles nervously*

Rafa: *well aware of what's just happened* NO, sorry... is that word, is other word... I dunno other word.

Showing off his Richard Mille watch,
allegedly
  

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Surfeit of slang

Note to self: when ruminating (to yourself) about how hard it is to get the new work year started after a lovely long holiday, the correct (and appropriate) comparison to "getting back in the saddle again" is NOT "after going bareback* for the past 2 weeks".

Ta very much.

* entirely work-unsafe reference to something that is NOT work.

Complete this sentence

I love children...

... they go great with tomato sauce and mustard.

... because they give me hope for the future.

... the contents of their diaper are not my problem.

... because they remind me anything is possible.

... you can dress them in goofy outfits and they don't know enough to rip them off and hate you for the rest of their life.

... they're so cute!

... I can return them to their parents when it's time to go home.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Signs of Aging

1. 
You remember when letters used to be written on actual paper with actual ink and smeared with an actual hand if you're left-handed like me. You also remember when you signed off on such letters in the bottom right corner if it was an informal letter, and the bottom left for a formal missive.

Or was that the other way around?

2.
You remember that there were different formats for letters used for different purposes, but can't remember the formats themselves to save your (shorter) life.

(actually, surat rasmi + tidak rasmi should about cover it, no??)

3.
You start to wonder when baby carriages became baby buggies and began looking less like baby transporters and more like aerodynamic space voyaging pods. Seriously, some look totally equipped to tackle a 4WD jungle course!

4. 
You also find it baffling that most of these contraptions have the baby facing outwards. I would imagine that a (new) baby sees the world as an alarming jumble of sights and sounds that are probably quite unpleasant when taken in large doses. This probably accounts for the number of screaming children you see in the mall.

Also, you'd think that a parent would prefer to look at a product that took 9 months to complete and god knows how long to create, rather than turn it around to face said alarming world during mall excursions.  

Everyone knows that the best parents are the people who don't have children.

5.
You begin to wonder when the heart throbs started getting younger by the day (yes, I know it's not their fault). I'm talking about you, Skandar Keynes.

6.
Christmas becomes less about presents, and more about sneering at the crass mass consumerism of the season.
 
7.
Any holiday occasion is just another opportunity for capitalist business pigs to wheedle away as much of your hard earned money as they possibly can before you shake off the hypnotic stupor that comes with shopping. Grr. Argh.

8.
Your days begin and end earlier, and fuzzy slippers begin to sound like the ideal footwear. The idea of buying new kitchen implements is dizzyingly exciting.

9. 
You come up with a list like this. Doh. 

10.
Er... I forgot what I was talking about.

Monday, December 13, 2010

On misplaced affection

Normally I scoff at silly females who name their appliances. Why the hell would anyone call a laptop Bernie, or coo over a huge kitchen mixer whom they've named Alfred?

Alfred?

Well, you know what happens when you scoff at something - you wind up doing the same damn thing you mocked. Currently, I'm so enamoured of the wicked little red peeler I got from Daiso on Sunday that I think of it as my "little 5-inch wonder".

My new best friend.

The sound of mocking laughter echoes bitterly in my head.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Urban wildlife: two sides of a coin

Living in one of the greener corners of Kuala Lumpur, we enjoy the benefit of free exhaust fumes every weekend as thousands of visitors descend on the park across the road. There is an up side and down side to living so close to the "wild":

The up side:

- The wonder of nature is close at hand as small woodland creatures like wild shrews, wee squirrels and your neighbour's semi-feral cats* frolic and play in your garden.

- In-depth observation of the ant's industrious ways is always possible.

- Birds attracted by the flowering plants in your garden let loose with a joyous burst of melodious song every morning, getting the day off to a great start.

- Nothing is more relaxing than seeing a butterfly flutter around said flowering plants.

The down side:

- Ants will want to share your sweets.

- The shrews will eventually be overcome by a burning desire to investigate your house. They will get as far as the living room before deciding they need to poop.

- The cats will be attracted by the shrews and pad in quietly after them. After failing to catch them, they will stroll in to the kitchen and scare the everloving life out of you by begging for some of the chicken you're slicing for dinner.**

* They go home to where the food is, but poop under your car.
** At least they're polite enough to sit quietly beside you and wait for you to notice them

Sunday, November 21, 2010

No-brainer decision of the week

Girl has two (2) choices when looking for a new coffee press:

1. Ikea
Capacity - 1 liter
Price - RM49.00
Materials - heavy-duty high melting point plastic, heat-resistant glass, stainless steel
Origin - China

2. Some polysyllabic European name she can't pronounce
Capacity - 250 mL
Price - RM99.00
Materials - heavy-duty high melting point plastic, heat-resistant glass, stainless steel
Origin - China

Making a choice was so hard.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Looking out for one another

Bro2 and I are watching the first (and very unsettling) episode of The Walking Dead. The following heartfelt conversation* ensues between scenes of (censored) gun violence**:

Bro2: If I ever turn into a zombie...
Me: Yes?
Bro2: Run away.
Me: What, why?
Bro2: So I won't eat your brains.
Me: Aw, that's sweet, but you know I'll shoot you in the head.
Bro2: Why?
Me: Cos that's how you make zombies dead, innit?
Bro2: I don't want to die lar--
Me: But you'd have to be dead to be a zombie. I'll use the meat cleaver if that makes you feel better.
Bro2: asdfghjkl; just run away and don't kill me dammit.
Me: I'll just walk away quickly, if you don't mind.
Bro2: This is why we don't talk.

* Usually we just hurl verbal abuse
** If you don't see the gunshot, did the zombie really take a bullet to the brain? I think not.

Monday, November 8, 2010

One Buddha a day

This is just a supplement to the previous statement that I was born on the day of Reclining (not Sleeping) Buddha. However, there are also some who assert that Tuesday is Sleeping Buddha day.


Sleeping Buddha image from Buddha-Images.com

What's the difference? Reclining Buddha was just chillin' and some giant (Asurindarahu) came up to him frontin', so Buddha made himself appear even larger than the giant and showed him the grandeur of heaven, as it were. That did the trick.

On the other hand, Sleeping Buddha represents the moment he went to greatness entered Nirvana.

On the other other hand... others use "reclining" and "sleeping" interchangeably, which is confusing and threatens to eject me from my Zen zone. Either way though, Tuesday's child has a major dose of the laidback.

Click here to determine on which day of the week you were born,
then refer here to see which Buddha pose is "yours" and what it means. Have fun!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Notes from Chiang Mai: day 1

The hardest thing about returning from a holiday is returning from it.

A.M.

- the flight is 2.5 hours. I want to advise the German passenger behind me to pony up the extra RM15 (?) for her next Air Asia flight so she'll have more space for her knobbly knees and the person in front won't have to receive an unsolicited lower back massage, as I did.

- Chiang Mai International Airport is small, but our guide is smaller. Mum and I were expecting a dude!

- our first sightseeing spot of the day: Doi Suthep temple. There are a few stories regarding the origin of the temple, but the most-repeated one is the legend of the White Elephant.

- the temple is located 30,000 feet above sea level* and the route to the top of the hill is long and widing. On a haze-free day, a vista of the city is yours to behold.

-  there are 300,000 steps leading to the temple, and if you cheat and take the tram up, you will not receive any merits.


- there is a little Miao tribe girl with whom you can take photos for a small "donation". Yes, she should be in school.

-  since it's still early (about 9 a.m. local time), all is quiet and cool. The ceramic tiles feel slippery and cold under our bare feet (no shoes in the temple, see) and I notice the stray dogs** lolling in the sunshine have glossy coats and appear very well-fed. Go, Thailand.

- Mum makes her first purchase of the trip: wind-up butterfly toys. Her first launch crashes, but the trader doesn't seem to mind.

- even though it's still morning, we have lunch right after we leave the temple and descend the hill. The pre-planned Thai laksa doesn't pan out as Mum vetoes anything with santan in it; I have regular tom yam noodles and she has pork 'n' rice.

P.M.

- it's still too early to check in to our hotel, so we visit the Royal Flora Ratchapruek garden.***

- The place is so dead that we don't even bother to hop off our tram, shortening a 30-minute ride in half.

- it's with much relief we trundle up to the check-in counter at the Suriwongse Hotel an hour later. The place is just around the corner from the night market (which, I dunno) and a Starbucks outlet no local would be caught dead at.

- our heads (or maybe just mine) are still spinning from the efficiency of check-in when we reach our room on the fifth floor in the new wing. It overlooks... the back lane.

- clearly, ours is not a "family" room, given that a window from the bathroom opens to the rest of the room, and there is no lock on the bathroom door.

- dinner is a khantoke-style repast, where the food is presented in artful little servings ala Korea (as many refills as you can wolf down barbarously):


- I have a mai-tai and decide I should've stuck to plain water.

- dinner is joined halfway by a performance incorporating Lanna culture.

- on a totally unrelated note, the khantoke dinner place releases giant lanterns for the benefit of the European guests. Us Asians see all that during CNY.

Fun Facts

- hunger + lack of sleep + driving ala Thai (all gas, no brakes) => impending car sickness.

- there is one Buddha for every day of the week; except Mondays and Sundays, where there is one each for morning and afternoon.

- Tuesday (my birthday) is the day of the Sleeping Buddha.


- Thais don't plant bougainvillea in the home as it implies that the husband may take on a mistress.

- Malaysian tom yam: redolent with lemongrass and kaffir lime leaves; tomatoes are always present, as are shreds of chicken meat/beef/seafood.

- Thai tom yam: a layer of chili oil glistens on the top; slices of char siew abound, and there seems to be no end to the chunks of minced pork. The noodles and spring onions appear to have been added as an afterthought, and the serving is garnished with enough deep fried lard to clog an elephant's arteries.

-  Thai tom yam merits its own poetry.

* this is an approximation
** mastiff-Labrador retriever combinations, it would appear (!)
*** Originally conceived as a tribute to the King in 2006, the place has since become a white elephant (see what I did there?) that rivals our own, uh, Rakan Muda activity centers.