Home renovation survival guide

Carnage: Day 1

Mum has gotten it into her head that the bathrooms and kitchen need makeovers. Since my brothers are all chickenshit good-for-nothings when it comes to handling a person who has a tendency to spend on things "because she can afford it", I have been doing the home decor rounds with her. This is what you need:

Looking a gift horse in the mouth

My nice neighbour passes me some muffins her son received from a colleague. I bring them in and show Bro2.

Me: Look, [neighbour] gave us some muffins that her son got from work!
Bro2: Oh my... what if they're muffin kangkang*??

I've eaten one. No romantic/horny inclinations towards strange women so far.

* Originally nasi kangkang: A love potion created by Southeast Asian women. The woman first lovingly cooks a bowl of rice. She then squats over it, sans clothes and lets her womanly essence mix with the steam of the rice, then feeds it to her man. He is supposed to never leave her and be at her beck and call always.

Rarity

I'm non-maternal, to put it mildly. Not that I despise kids (it takes an extremely singular individual to do so, I believe), but I'm not inclined to them either.

However, having kids looks like a rather wonderful idea when things like The Mixed Race Project come along. Maybe it's Jenna's amazing photography that's doing it.

Once forgotten

I had breakfast in a kopitiam* yesterday. I didn't even realise how long it'd been since I'd last set foot inside one (years, to put it mildly) until I set foot inside that one.

To add to the feeling of new-newness, I ate alone. Barring meals at home, I can't remember the last time I did that either. Well, I actually can, but unlike that time, I enjoyed the experience, and I didn't feel self-conscious or sad-like. If that's a sign of advancing age, I'll take it!

As found on FaceBook (original: Bank Forum, Commerzbank Group by Ogilvy & Mather Ukraine)

Elsewhere, I found a blog on minimalism. It doesn't refer to the approach in art or music (which should be lush), but that of one's lifestyle. I think the idea has a stronger hold on older people (because they've accumulated more stuff), as well as non-rural folk.

That last bit might be less than accurate, but I now have a strong yen to hold a garage sale and/or give things away. Anyone up for barely-used crockery and cutlery and apparel that's out of fashion?

* coffee shop, obviously

Local news

The much-loved (by me and Enfant Terrible, anyway) Sri Paandi outlet in TTDI closed last month. Yesterday, I saw that another restaurant had opened in its place. It serves... South Indian Chettinad food.

It's called D'Beetle Leaf, and I think the owners have used a word that does not mean what they think it means.

Elsewhere down the block, the much-loved (by me) Popeye's has shut its doors too. Clearly it has something to do with the KFC across the road (the Colonel will tolerate none of this Southern foolishness). God forbid they open a Wendy's outlet in its place.

The Forestry Department has set up a monkey trap for a relocation exercise. If you don't know what a monkey trap looks like, take a drive up my road and look for a 20-foot high metal cage painted in camouflage green and filled with bananas.

It's been there for about a week now (still empty too), and I giggle every time I drive past it because it also sports a sign about "preventing simian immunodeficiency virus (SIV)". The subtext is obvioiusly "don't have sex or do drugs with monkeys".

Not fine at all

I don't remember why, but last month, I decided to fine myself RM1 for each swear word I uttered.

Since we're all grown-ups here, I don't have to state the entire verboten list, suffice to say it also contains "shit," "damn," "asshole," and everything that mum would be unhappy to hear ("you're an idiot," "stop being such a bloody idiot").

The total fine imposed for swearing in the month of September in the year 2011 was RM44.

Yes, that's more than 1 word a day.

That's less RM44 from what I have available to spend now, innit? Part of the "deal" is that I can't touch that money until... whenever. Maybe it should go to charity. I don't know yet. Suggestions are most welcome!

Just for the record

I can't get enough of the "women telling other women how to be slutty wives" things. The story about the Obedient Wives' Club's sex guide has been reported elsewhere:

Australia: Brisbane Times
Indonesia: The Jakarta Globe

Nothing like a global audience to help you promote your message.

There are questions about why Jews are mentioned in the title ("Islamic Sex: Fight Jews to Have Islamic Sex Returned to the World @ Seks Islam, perangi Yahudi untuk kembalikan seks Islam kepada dunia").

The reason is obvious enough to me: if enough good Muslim wives have a lot of wholesome Muslim sex in orgies with their pious Muslim husbands, then there will be an explosion of good Muslim babies.

When they come of age, these children will be tasked with the noble mission of freeing the world from the unwholesome grip of those evil Zionist overlords who don't eat pork, pray 3 times a day, and whose men are circumcised, so that all good (married) Muslims can have good Muslim sex (with their spouse) anytime they want.

They will also make more babies to carry on the struggle.

I think that about sums it up.

You know why the book will suck though; it costs RM50 and there are no pictures. Whoever heard of a guide book with no reference images?

Lesser known Chinese wedding customs

I.
When one of my cousins on my mum's side got married, they hung a pair of his older brother's trousers over the front door. He and his bride had to walk under it (obviously) before the tea ceremony. 

I think it has something to do with paying your respects to your elders if they're unmarried, as the elder brother does indeed have a serious sweetheart, but chose to let his kid brother tie the knot first on account of limited finances.

II.
You need the following at a tea ceremony:
1. Bride and groom
2. Both sets of parents
3. Assorted aunts and uncles
4. Bossy wedding planner
5. Tea (doh)
6. Whole roasted suckling pig

Tête-à-tête with a freeter

Well. It turns out I have to schedule time for myself now

I started working for myself so that I could set my own hours, enjoy the luxury of not having to battle through the hell that is the daily commute (incredible savings on petrol is just one of the perks!), and be a complete stranger to the minefield that is office politics.

Not for me the fumes of the city, the stink of the drain behind the best fried noodles in town, or the tedium of having to wait behind another car whose driver appears to be colour-blind.

Freedom to earn my own keep when and wherever I want it.

Freedom from having to dress "nice" each morning for people I couldn't care less about seeing.

At liberty to eat anything I want for lunch and not have to worry that I made the office smell like armpits.

So.

A matter of time

Dumb: Trying to overtake a tour bus on a 2-lane, no-overtaking road. 
Dumber: Tailgating the bus. 
Dumbest: Switching on your high-beams and tailgating said bus so that the driver will get the idea and move out of your way.


Lady, I'm sure you feel like a badass bitch in your big Mazda (I'm not bitter), and I'm sure you were on your way to an important Sunday engagement organised exclusively for the likes of drivers like yourself, but


bus drivers are the baddest asses of all drivers because they have to put up with drivers like you every day; the bus didn't even have a rear window or safety camera, so let's not bet that he knew you were even there air-kissing his bumper.


Me, I was in the car behind you, running through my scant emergency medicine repertoire, just in case.